Pregnancy dreams

I had my first pregnancy nightmare last night. I don't remember much, but here are the highlights:

-I went into labor. It wasn't "normal" labor with contractions & everything, but I guess I knew it was happening.
-I have no idea where Rich was. Bummer! But I was with my parents & my sisters.
-My doctor was not on call. I had some stranger come in & check things out.
-My sisters & Dad were making a HUGE scene at the hospital. They were dressing up in doctor gear & being ridiculous. ((That sounds about right, actually))
-It ended up being a false alarm.

Pretty exciting, huh? It was really weird and felt very real while I was dreaming. I've always had very vivid dreams & sometimes have a hard time the next day. Does that make sense?! Sometimes they are wonderful dreams. Other times they are scary & it takes me a while to let go of whatever it was I was dreaming about.

Anyway...here's to many more weird dreams over the next several months!!

2nd Doctor's Appointment

Today we had our 2nd doctor's appointment. I was a little worried it would be cancelled because there was major storm damage in Wheaton & I wasn't sure if the office had power. Luckily they did, so we were good to go! Although we were about 15 min late due to all the down traffic lights...

The appointment was with Dr. Larry, who happens to be the son of the doctor who delivered my sister, Lauren. Funny. I think I mentioned it before, but we are required to see each of the 6 doctors in the practice at some point during our pregnancy. So today we met with the first "boy doctor". I am definitely not thrilled about some guy being all up in my business, and even though people say I'll get used to it, I don't think I will. Gross.

Moving on.

I wasn't sure what was on the agenda for this appointment, as things are still early. I was given a huge packet of info at our 1st appointment about all the different genetic testing they can do, so I thought they might bring that up again. Rich & I had talked about it, and we decided against doing any of the tests. If there is something majorly wrong, they will know at our big ultrasound appointment around 20 weeks. But really, no test result would make us change our mind about having this baby. We don't have a family history of anything and don't have any of the risk factors. Plus, not all of the tests are 100% positive anyway. So when the doctor asked today, we told him thanks but no thanks.

The nurse took all my vitals- another urine test, blood pressure, & weight. I lost 2 lbs, but they said that's not an issue at this point. I wasn't surprised given my total lack of appetite lately. Then she had me lay down so that she could listen to the baby's heart beat. She used a "doppler ultrasound" which looks like this:

It's a little portable, hand held device. She put some gel on my stomach and got to work. And...nothing. I tried to read her face & see if she was anxious or worried. I couldn't read her. I asked her if anything was wrong, and said that it was still early. Still, I was worried. I silently prayed over and over, "Lord please let there be a heartbeat. Let there be a strong heartbeat. Help them find it." She gave up after a few minutes, and the doctor came in. He was really friendly, and said that the doppler is a lot less sensitive than the big ultrasound machines and not to worry at all.

**Hey nurse- it would be been really great of you to share that info with the nervous 1st time pregnant lady you are poking in the gut. Whatever.

The doctor did not seem worried at all, and brought us into a different room to do the ultrasound. Thankfully, he found the heartbeat right away. He said it was strong & about 160+ bpm. I was so relieved! We were not expecting to have an ultrasound, and it was a special treat to get to see the baby! It actually had distinguishable arms & legs! WOW! The baby is about 2.5 inches long now- simply amazing. I don't think I'll ever get over how incredible this whole process is...

After we confirmed the heartbeat, the nurse came back in and took some blood (kind of a lot of blood actually). Our next appointment will be on August 7th at 1pm with our regular doctor! YAY!

Our first ultrasound

Like I mentioned before, our sweet doctor ordered an ultrasound for Friday at 10:45am so that Rich could be sure to make it. She wanted to confirm how far along I was, since there was a chance I could have been a month further along.

Rich & I were really excited and nervous for the appointment. We knew that we would probably be able to see the heartbeat, and there was a possibility that we could even hear it! We prayed in the car before walking inside the office, not quite sure of what we might see. Rich prayed over me, asking for peace and comfort, as well as a strong heart beat for our little one. Quick side note- I just adore that man. He can calm me down right away with just a hug or a quick prayer. I am so thankful for the way that he knows and loves me. What a guy!

The ultrasound was scheduled for the Warrenville office. It's one of the bigger offices, and sometimes the receptionists there are quite rude. However, we had a very pleasant experience since it was still early on a Friday. The waiting room was not crowded, and we didn't have to wait very long. That was a blessing, since they ask you to have a full bladder before the ultrasound. Yikes! 

The technician asked Rich to wait while she got things set up. I was a little anxious that he was not going to be with me right away, but he smiled at me and said he'd be right in. This might be TMI for some-- but the technician said she would try to do the ultrasound on my stomach first, but since it was early, she may have to do an internal ultrasound. The room was big and cool, and the lights were dim. She had me lay on the table and roll my yoga pants down a little bit. The ultrasound jelly {I'm sure it has a better name than that} was really warm- almost hot! That surprised me quite a bit actually. I laid on the table while she rolled the device across my stomach. I tried to watch her face for any sort of concern- she was an obvious pro and made quick work. Right away, she said she could see the heartbeat. She turned up the volume on the machine, and I heard a noise. She flashed a smile at me and said, "Let's bring your husband in!" 

Rich came in and stood next to me. The technician turned the screen around so that we could both see. She pointed out the yoke sack- a term I didn't realize was used for babies! And then just below it, she showed us the little flicker of a heartbeat! After starring at it for a few moments, she turned up the volume, and we could hear the heartbeat too! It was absolutely incredible. It blew my mind to know that there was another beating heart inside my body. She said the heartbeat was strong- about 159 bpm! Praise the Lord, we were both so happy. What a beautiful noise.

She printed us out two different images; one of the baby, and another with the heartbeat. She said that I was measuring about 7 weeks 2 days, but that with the room for error, they would probably not adjust my due date. 

So, January 18th, 2013 it is! And as soon as I scan in the ultrasound picture, I will update this post with it! We are so thankful to Jesus that things are going well so far. Our next appointment, again, will be July 2nd!

Our first doctor appointment

Today was our first doctor's appointment for Little Baby Stiles! Rich & I were both a little anxious & somewhat unsure of what to expect. We were so thankful that they were able to get us in before Rich leaves for Graduate school (on SUNDAY!), and we are hopeful that we will be able to be present at each appointment going forward.

A little info on our doctor. Her name is Dr. Fesenmyer, and she is a part of DuPage Obstetrics & Gynecology. I know I mentioned it before, but I have seen her for many years and feel very comfortable with her. She is compassionate and friendly, and gives you her honest opinions. There are 5 other doctors in the group, so we will have to see each of them at some point over the next several months. But ideally, we hope to see Dr. Fesenmyer most & ultimately have her deliver our baby. Speaking of delivery, that will take place at Central DuPage Hospital.

Anyway, the appointment went well. They did another pregnancy test- still positive! All my levels were normal, and my blood pressure was normal as well. I had a complete physical, and everything looks good.  Probably the coolest part of the visit was the sweet gift bag I got. It was filled with tons of essentials.

The gift bag!

Lots of info sheets on cord blood, pediatricians, medications, etc.

"Trimester by Trimester" journal

Tons of different prenatal vitamins to try

CDH's "Pregnancy Guide"

As of now, our due date is January 18, 2013, meaning I am 8 weeks along. However, I am scheduled to have an ultra sound on Friday to confirm how far along I am. There is a chance that I could be a month further along than I think I am. So, we shall see! Dr. Fesenmyer was so sweet to order to ASAP so that Rich can still be there. We'll definitely be able to see the heartbeat (Lord willing), and we might possibly be able to hear the heartbeat, depending on how far along I am.

Please join us in praying for a strong & healthy baby! We know that our little one is in the Lord's hands, but we really do appreciate any prayers offered up on our behalf! Thanks, dear ones!

Finally found a ginger-y treat that helps keep the nausea away!

"Education"

Even before becoming pregnant, I have struggled with anxiety and fear. Horrible, ridiculous thoughts have a way of creeping into my head and lingering for far too long. I would often find myself completely consumed with the darkness and worry that flooded my mind. So it makes sense that Satan would continue to use this sin issue into pregnancy- although now, it's as if he has cranked up the dial to max. Uh oh.

I'm also a big reader. I love to plan. Gather information. Educate myself. I don't like feeling unprepared or surprised. So I read books. I have read books on being a Christian in college, being single, dating, marriage, wedding planning, sex & relationships, friendship, and managing your money- just to name a few.

So naturally, I have like 4 or 5 pregnancy books around the house right now. And lets not forget the internet, which is always a wealth of information.

However, I realized yesterday that in my efforts to educate myself, I was really working myself into a complete panic. Somehow I stumbled upon some heartbreaking blog of a woman who's baby had some awful birth defect. The baby was horribly disfigured, and only lived a few hours after he was born. It was so, so devastating. But like an idiot, I kept reading. And then I was left with my thoughts for the rest of the day. Trouble.

I shared this with Richard, as well as a few trusted friends. And they each agreed to help hold me accountable. Another encouraged me to memorize a verse or passage of scripture to pray over our baby for these next several months. I loved the idea, and I am going to do my best to memorize Psalm 139.

There are some fears that I have, deep in my heart, that I am too afraid to even say out loud. I don't even want to tempt fate--which I KNOW is a completely ridiculous thought. Sometimes I try to pray for every single possible outcome, for fear that if I don't, something bad will happen. I try to cover all my bases. But, I know that the Lord will not allow illness or birth defects due to MY lack of prayer. The fact is, I need to just take myself out of the equation all together.

Does this even make sense to anyone? Or am I just rambling? 

Either way, when I am calm and rational, I know these things to be true:

-The Lord already knows the little life that is growing inside me. He knows baby's birthday. Name. Hair color. Shoe size. Everything. The Lord knows it all.

-The Lord already has plans for that little life. He knows how long our precious one with live. He knows where he/she will go to college. He knows if he/she will eventually get married one day. And His plans are already set.

-The Lord loves my child, even more than I do. Even now, having not even met my baby yet, the Lord completely adores him/her. He knows his/her every thought and word. And He will never stop.

Psalm 139
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.


You hem me in-behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.


Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.


If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.


For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.


How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.


If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you blood thirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.


Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Anxiety

Over the last year, I have come to realize the sinful nature of my anxiety. Before joining a fabulous Women's Bible Study at Harvest Bible Chapel, I thought my anxiety was something that I would always struggle with. I thought it was just part of who I am. Just like I have blue eyes. I am also extremely anxious.

Maybe this is obvious to everyone else, but for me this was a total awakening: anxiety is not just unhealthy, it is SINFUL, and the Lord speaks clearly about it's power over us.  For example:

1 Peter 5:7

"Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

Philippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you- you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

  

When we allow our anxiety to control us, we are essentially telling God that we don't trust Him and His plan. We don't believe that He will take care of us. We can handle things ourselves. We know better. Now, I don't know about you, but when my mind starts going on a downward spiral of anxious thoughts, I don't feel very in control. I don't feel like my plans will work out. I don't feel like I can handle it. So wouldn't it actually be better to simply put our trust fully in HIM in those situations?

I have been really caught up in my own fear and anxiety over the last few days. I worry about so much, and I'm not even pregnant yet!! Thankfully, my sweet husband encouraged me to have a long quiet time yesterday to do just what 1 Peter says- cast my anxiety on Him. I was incredibly convicted of my recent anxiety.

My worrying won't help me get pregnant.
My worrying won't ensure a healthy pregnancy.
My worrying won't protect my future babies.
My worrying won't keep them healthy and safe.

Only JESUS can do those things. He is the one that knows exactly how many children I will have. He knows their names and birthdays. He knows what color hair they have. He knows how much they'll weigh when they are born.

I know that the Lord is going to grow me and teach me so much through having children. I just pray for strength and wisdom along the way.