Even before becoming pregnant, I have struggled with anxiety and fear. Horrible, ridiculous thoughts have a way of creeping into my head and lingering for far too long. I would often find myself completely consumed with the darkness and worry that flooded my mind. So it makes sense that Satan would continue to use this sin issue into pregnancy- although now, it's as if he has cranked up the dial to max. Uh oh.
I'm also a big reader. I love to plan. Gather information. Educate myself. I don't like feeling unprepared or surprised. So I read books. I have read books on being a Christian in college, being single, dating, marriage, wedding planning, sex & relationships, friendship, and managing your money- just to name a few.
So naturally, I have like 4 or 5 pregnancy books around the house right now. And lets not forget the internet, which is always a wealth of information.
However, I realized yesterday that in my efforts to educate myself, I was really working myself into a complete panic. Somehow I stumbled upon some heartbreaking blog of a woman who's baby had some awful birth defect. The baby was horribly disfigured, and only lived a few hours after he was born. It was so, so devastating. But like an idiot, I kept reading. And then I was left with my thoughts for the rest of the day. Trouble.
I shared this with Richard, as well as a few trusted friends. And they each agreed to help hold me accountable. Another encouraged me to memorize a verse or passage of scripture to pray over our baby for these next several months. I loved the idea, and I am going to do my best to memorize Psalm 139.
There are some fears that I have, deep in my heart, that I am too afraid to even say out loud. I don't even want to tempt fate--which I KNOW is a completely ridiculous thought. Sometimes I try to pray for every single possible outcome, for fear that if I don't, something bad will happen. I try to cover all my bases. But, I know that the Lord will not allow illness or birth defects due to MY lack of prayer. The fact is, I need to just take myself out of the equation all together.
Does this even make sense to anyone? Or am I just rambling?
Either way, when I am calm and rational, I know these things to be true:
-
The Lord already knows the little life that is growing inside me. He knows baby's birthday. Name. Hair color. Shoe size. Everything. The Lord knows it all.
-
The Lord already has plans for that little life. He knows how long our precious one with live. He knows where he/she will go to college. He knows if he/she will eventually get married one day. And His plans are already set.
-The Lord loves my child, even more than I do. Even now, having not even met my baby yet, the Lord completely adores him/her. He knows his/her every thought and word. And He will never stop.
Psalm 139
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in-behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you blood thirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
